*Warning* This post is real. It is raw. It is who I am and what I feel. I apologize in advance for the rambling post.
All right. I have not posted in quite some time. I did take a blogging break, but I was planning on still continuing here. However, that obviously did not happen.
I have run out of motivation already. It seems like as soon as I quit/could not do Metabolism Miracle, all motivation and gusto went straight out the window. I seem to be continuing the same cycle that I always get on. I get motivated and excited. I plan, find a new diet or a new exercise, and get started. Then I peter out. I give up.
I don't know what is wrong with me. I have food issues. I have eating issues. And I don't know how to fix them or make them better. If there is junk in the house, I will eat it. If I'm at a social gathering, I will eat it. I have no discipline, no willpower, no motivation.
I hate my body. I hate the way I look. I want to live a healthy life for my children. I want to be able to play with them without getting tired. I want to be able to shop for clothes and not get depressed.
And yet, none of this seems to motivate me enough. None of these things keep me on track.
I cannot stay on track. I cannot continue to eat healthy. I cannot continue to exercise.
I am fat. I am obese. I am ugly. I am disgusting. I cannot understand how my husband finds me attractive. I cannot understand how my husband can like to look at me.
I have such low self-esteem. I have my whole life. A large part of it comes from my father and how he treated me.
How do I get myself out of this? It seems like every time I try, I fail. I am just a big, huge failure and I just continue to get more and more unhealthy and fatter and fatter.
I'm lost. I don't know what to do, where to go, where to turn, how to pull myself out. All I know is that I do not like what I see in the mirror (if I ever looked in a mirror.)
Sometimes, I even wonder if I am addicted to food. Is that a real addiction? If so, what do you do to get over it. It's not like you can just go cold turkey and quit eating food. We need food in order to survive.
How fat do I have to get? How obese am I going to be?
I don't know where to go from here. I can dust myself off and get back up on that wagon, but am I fighting a losing battle? Am I destined to be fat forever? Is there ever going to be anything that works for me and helps me stay motivated and get the weight off? It seems like nothing works for me, no matter how hard I try. I lose a little bit, then I stall, then I go back to old habits.
Where does it end? When will it end?
WHY is it so hard? What is so difficult about this?
5 comments:
(((((hugs))))) Beautiful Missy friend... Just reading here and my heart is so burdened for you. I totally get that space. I totally get it. So appreciate your heart, and that you took the chance and shared it here is just amazing!
I think you said something tho, that will be a key to walking in victory... what you said about your dad. I don't know what the history is, or what happened, but it sounds like you have some direction as to where the root, the "why" of your eating issues are. And that my friend is HUGE!
I know you are a believer... and there is something that I learned at the beginning of my journey... There is that common Scripture in Philippians, "Ever good and perfect gift is from up above." And that includes EVERYTHING! The Father revealed that to me one day... that anything I need, He has, and wants to give it to me... including the "want to", the "umph" you know? The help and inspiration to get started and go on this journey. He has it, and it is outstretched to you.. all He said to me, was "take it."... and the practical app, is "just ask me, Amy." Everything everything everything is from Him.... Missy, sweet friend, just ask Him. He will help you!
I hope that makes sense.. but that was really really a big light bulb moment for me. I am not talking a name it and claim it thing.. just an ask for what you need, your Father wants to help you! HE is here in this space with you... speaking to you, loving you, longing to bring healing and victory to you...right here in this hard hard space called food addiction. He is!!
Please email me anytime if you would like to chat or talk at all... I am here for you!!
smile74@cox.net is my addy!!
Hugs my sweet bloggy friend... chin up :)
WOW!! You've said things that I have thought about myself for a long time. I believe eating is an addiction. I like you am an emotional eater. I had a wonderful childhood. Mine started after I got married and had my first child. My husband verbally abused me and I would eat. And even now after being divorced from him for eight years. I weigh more than I have ever in my life even through three pregnancies.
I so agree with Amy about praying about it. Even though I don't do it and know I should. To me my weight seems so unimportant when I think about the people hurting or the people that needs salvation.
But yet how is overeating any different that doing anything else that is harmful to our bodies.
I have lost weight in the pass, that's the thing I know how. I drank water, walked, and stayed away from fried foods and sugar. Portion control. But like you it's just the doing it. Maybe some type of support system or accountability. Just an idea.
Thanks for being so real. I wish I had a magic bullet for you (& me!) but I struggle with the same issues. I do know that your friend, Amy, is right - God is bigger than your addiction. I read a really good book that is a decade old "The Weigh Down Diet" by Gwen Shamblyn and it really helped me to understand that only God can fill the hole in my heart that I am trying to fill with food.
I'll say a special prayer for you!
Sometimes you just have to do it. Of course it's EASIER not to. Of course it FEELS better to eat tiramisu and treat yourself. You need to call upon your discipline and determination to beat your base desires.
Start by tracking your food intake. You can use something simple and free, like Sparkpeople.com. Just see what you're ingesting, it might be eye-opening. Do 10 minutes of the Shred--10 minutes, one circuit. Anyone can commit to 10 minutes. Do it everyday for a week, track your food every day for a week. Your self-esteem will start to build, knowing that you are taking positive steps. Worry about next week next week, but for now, pick 1 exercise goal and track your food.
EVERY DAY FOR 1 WEEK. Then report back. You will feel renewed.
Oh missy, :(.
I know how you feel, it is really hard work! I am the same way if it is in the house I will eat it and it can be soo hard to change life long habits. You can do it, missy! just because you are off the wagon for a month-so what its a month-we are talking about weight and habits that took a life time to create and they will not change in a month-or two or even three. I have to keep telling myself, "the weight didn't appear overnight, it will not come off over night"
I have had a number of friends that have had good sucess with weigh down workshops-never tried them myself, but they are Christian based with LOTS of accountability.
I have also been reading an OLD book, called Choices for a healthy heart. One of the the things this dr suggest (he deals mostly with heart patients in their 50 who have life long poor eating) to start small. Start with the first month only changing one thing-such as start eating a good healthy breakfast, make it a habit-30 days stick to just the one change then the next month add one more SMALL change. He says the sucess rate with those who change small things first for the first 6 months is 99% those that try to change everything at once sucess is 10%.
I know it is hard, nothing is harder than losing weight, I feel your pain and struggle with simular body image issues, but you cannot let them defeat you.
You are a "can do" girl, missy and you can do it, but it won't be quick and it won't be easy!
I am praying for you that God will show you how much He loves you and that no matter what you look like to you-to Him you are his beautiful daughter created in His image and He finds you beautiful! Who are you not to trust His judgement?
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