My Story

I was not one of those kids that was "chunky" or a "healthy weight." I was actually quite petite and tiny for my age when I was a child. My mom tells me that I did not gain a pound from age 4 until about 6. I don't know what my eating habits were like back then (except I do know that I did not like to eat meat) or my activity level; I have no memories that young. I don't know if it has something to do with the fact that it was just my mom and I or if it was just plain old genetics.

Then we moved back in with my father and puberty hit. My body has never been the same since. I did not grow up with a healthy example of eating. Dinner almost always included something fried, a lot of starches and carbs and on occasional vegetable out of the can.

I was a shy, introverted child who lived in a home with a father who was a hermit and controlling. Needless to say, we did not go a lot of places or do a lot of things. A lot of my preteen and teen years were spent in my room reading books or watching TV or playing computer games. Sports and exercise were not a part of my daily life. I was never "fat" as a teen, but I could definitely have used to lose a few pounds; "chunky" is a word often used to describe me then.There are quite a few other reasons that lead to my food issues, but I'd rather not discuss them to in depth. Just suffice it to say that food became my comfort.

Then I left home and went away to college. I did of course gain a few pounds (freshman 15 anyone?) but nothing that was out of control; I would say I was little past the "chunky" but certainly not obese. My second year at college I had a very active, very thin roommate. Instead of acting negative towards her, I watched and learned from her and decided I was going to do something to make myself healthy. I enrolled in karate of all things (plus it fulfilled my PE requirement for my credits) and I started eating a lot healthier. I did very well. I got down to about 118, which was not where I wanted to be, but it was the thinnest and healthiest I had ever been.

Then I met my boyfriend (Jon) and it all went downhill again. You see, he is the type of person that can eat whatever he wants and not gain an ounce. He has a very fast metabolism and he is pretty active, so he could put away the food (still can) like no one else. Well, I thought, of course, that I could keep up with his eating. Wrong. So very, very wrong. Not to mention that I had fulfilled my PE credits so I was no longer exercising.

Well, I continued to yo-yo between "chunky" and "fat" for a quite a few years. I've tried to lose the weight, but it seems that sometimes the harder I try and the more I stick to what I'm supposed to be doing, the harder it is to lose the weight. I always seem to get to a certain point and that is as far as I get. So I get discouraged and I quit.

Then I got pregnant for the first time. I was in a "chunky" stage so my doctor wasn't too concerned, but kept an eye on my weight. Then I got gestational diabetes and I was put on a very strict diet. Boy did that ever suck. Someone telling me what I can and cannot eat again. I stuck to it and I even ended up losing weight because I lost fat, but gained baby weight. So after I delivered, I weighed less then when I first got pregnant. But as soon as I was off the diet, I went to eating all the things that I was restricted from on the diet and gained most of it all back. I knew we were planning on another baby, so I figured there was no reason to go through the work of losing weight and then gaining it all back with another baby.

With the second pregnancy, I didn't do quite as well on the diet (yes, I had gestational diabetes again,) but I still stuck to it pretty well. I ended up weighing less again after the baby was born.

Then I went through a bought of depression. Along with that, the weight packed on because I didn't go anywhere or do anything (that is another story within itself.) Once I got on medication, I tried losing a little bit of weight, but apparently most anti-depression medications cause you to hold the weight and it makes it even harder to lose weight. So, I gave up. I didn't even try. And the weight packed on. Then I packed on some more.

Then I got pregnant this last time. I was at my highest weight ever, even higher then with any of my pregnancies. I was disgusted with myself. I have some serious food issues. I know this. But that is no excuse to be at the weight that I am. To be at the risk for health issues. "Chunky" is one thing, but obese is a whole other story. So I made it through the pregnancy with gestational diabetes again (which I got a lot sooner this time) and I did not do as well on the diet. I tried. Somewhat. But after the third time, I just couldn't do it anymore.

Since I had the baby, I have made no effort to eat healthy, exercise or anything of that sort.

So....here I am. Fat. Obese. At risk for health issues.

I know that eating the food is a choice. But sometimes I don't know how to get past my issues with food. I don't know how to get over that hump and make healthy choices. I don't know how to retrain my brain.

I am beginning this journey here. I am going to go about this with the mindset that I want to get healthy. I'm not doing it to be thin or to look pretty (although it is a nice benefit.) I am doing this for my health. I am doing this for my husband and my children so that I can be here for them for a very long time.

I am doing this for my Father. In order for His light to shine brightly through me, I need to have a healthy temple for Him to place that light and to allow it to shine through to others.